Uh, in a tiny city news,
two guys in Fresno were arrested for stealing over 50 grand worth
of cheese since 2017. No one can prove
I was in that factory. 2017 is also the last time either of these guys
took a dump. They were selling it
on social media and in flea markets– that’s
where I get all my cheese– and, uh, door to door. It’s funny to me, ’cause I have
a great cheese guy. I met him
at the 7-Eleven on Yucca. And, uh, we wound up
being friends. And now I gave him
a fake job here. Uh, Guy, go ahead.
I know I interrupted you. Oh, no,
I was just going to say, I’m not a trained
crime scene investigator, but these two men
might have been framed. Did anyone see any cartoon mice at the factory
on the day of the theft? -No? Dusty?
-I-I’d just like to know how successful the door-to-door
cheese business is. SPADE:
Yeah. Like, I only like cheese
out of a can. You know, I’m not accepting it
from somebody at the front door. Yeah, yeah. It goes bad if
you get it not out of the can. You don’t want the cheese,
how about a religion? -You know, that’s…
-Mm-hmm. -Yeah, right. Backup. And I just want to say…
(laughing) Here goes. Uh, if it’s a crime to steal
cheese, call me a criminal. (laughter) ‘Cause I…
I mean, half the… -All I know is…
-Okay. (applause and cheering) Half of the… half of your
craft services table backstage is in my purse now. That’s actually true. -You can leave the toothpicks,
at least. -Well… Uh, by the way,
this guy’s getting high on his own supply,
I’ll tell you that much. All right,
what else we got here? Uh… Okay. The hottest rave in San
Francisco is not at the clubs. It’s at a baby rave
for children. -Four years…
-BAYER: Oh, yeah. Four years old and under? Jesus. All right, take a look. (dance music playing) (laughter) I could watch that for an hour. Uh, I thought that was
Chrissy Teigen in there. -Um… with her kid.
-(laughter) Most parents in…
That’s not bad. Uh, most parents said they’re
looking for something to do with their kids
between breakfast and nap time. Besides being a parent. Uh, tickets to Baby Rave
are only seven dollars. That’s it? -Do they need an opener?
-(laughter) Uh, just sounds like fun,
doesn’t it? I mean,
not a lot of people realize -the Wiggles’ electronic album
is really good. -(laughter) This way
you don’t have to wonder why your kids ended up on drugs. Yeah. They start out on drugs. You get to share the pacifier
with them at the rave. That’s the thing, it’s a rave–
there’s E, there’s Adderall, -there’s no peanuts.
-Right. -(laughter) This… I dropped my kid off
at Burning Man for ten days. -(laughter) -The good news is,
that’s ten days you relax. ‘Cause you know they’re fine.
You know what I mean? What happened to my mom?
She had NyQuil. -That was the old way to do it.
-(laughter) “Oh, I just woke up.”
“Hey, want a NyQuil?” -“Oh, already?”
-(laughter) What-what… how much
of a novelty will it be that there will be people
drinking Pedialyte the day after a rave who
should be drinking Pedialyte? (laughter) (applause) (whooping) That’s good. This is how Molly
ended up on Molly. -(laughter)
-You know, I think these kids are up to no Gouda. Oh, that’s from the last…
that’s from the last one. -I mix them together, yeah.
-I mixed it up. Here’s a funny story. Authorities divorced…
uh, authorities discovered… (laughter) Authorities discovered
I can’t read. Uh, no, all kidding aside. They discovered that a family
of doomsday preppers– my favorite kind of people–
have been living in a Dutch farmhouse
for ten years with no contact
with the outside world. They’re out now,
and they just want to relax, go see Bill Cosby,
Michael Jackson, have some fun. (laughter) The oldest sibling escaped
to a pub to get help from the family…
for the family to get out. And, uh, I’m not into
the “doomsday prepper” thing. I just, I feel like this family
might have been onto something, ’cause it’s not doomsday,
but it’s not not doomsday. (laughter) SPADE:
That’s true. -(applause, whooping)
-Are we in a middle ground? I would be happier
if I had been in a basement -for the last ten years.
-Yeah. And they have their own, like, farm,
and so they’re self-sufficient. -I feel like they’re… going…
-They’re onto something. -Yeah. -Yeah,
’cause I-I’m extreme doomsday. Like, if I do it–
I sort of want to get wiped out with the nuclear bomb,
because what is the alternative? I’m living a mile under my house
with a, you know, candle from Crate & Barrel,
eating Dinty Moore for two years, and I come up… -Oh, not yet? Okay.
-(laughter) -I heard the guy had five beers
before asking for help. -Yeah. Like, sometimes it’s
more important to get drunk -than be rescued.
-Yeah. -(laughter) I-I don’t think these people
are doomsday preppers. Weed has been legal in the
Netherlands for a long time. I think they just started
watching animal videos on YouTube
and lost track of time. -Yeah.
-(laughter) (applause, whooping) Yeah, this kid was eight
when he went in. He came out at 18,
had five beers. He was like, “Last I remember
I was at a rave, and then…” (laughter) I just feel like some of
these kids are up to no Gouda. -(laughter)