The Crime of the Century Involves Stolen Cheese (feat. Vanessa Bayer) – Lights Out with David Spade

The Crime of the Century Involves Stolen Cheese (feat. Vanessa Bayer) – Lights Out with David Spade


Uh, in a tiny city news,
two guys in Fresno were arrested for stealing over 50 grand worth
of cheese since 2017. No one can prove
I was in that factory. 2017 is also the last time either of these guys
took a dump. They were selling it
on social media and in flea markets– that’s
where I get all my cheese– and, uh, door to door. It’s funny to me, ’cause I have
a great cheese guy. I met him
at the 7-Eleven on Yucca. And, uh, we wound up
being friends. And now I gave him
a fake job here. Uh, Guy, go ahead.
I know I interrupted you. Oh, no,
I was just going to say, I’m not a trained
crime scene investigator, but these two men
might have been framed. Did anyone see any cartoon mice at the factory
on the day of the theft? -No? Dusty?
-I-I’d just like to know how successful the door-to-door
cheese business is. SPADE:
Yeah. Like, I only like cheese
out of a can. You know, I’m not accepting it
from somebody at the front door. Yeah, yeah. It goes bad if
you get it not out of the can. You don’t want the cheese,
how about a religion? -You know, that’s…
-Mm-hmm. -Yeah, right. Backup. And I just want to say…
(laughing) Here goes. Uh, if it’s a crime to steal
cheese, call me a criminal. (laughter) ‘Cause I…
I mean, half the… -All I know is…
-Okay. (applause and cheering) Half of the… half of your
craft services table backstage is in my purse now. That’s actually true. -You can leave the toothpicks,
at least. -Well… Uh, by the way,
this guy’s getting high on his own supply,
I’ll tell you that much. All right,
what else we got here? Uh… Okay. The hottest rave in San
Francisco is not at the clubs. It’s at a baby rave
for children. -Four years…
-BAYER: Oh, yeah. Four years old and under? Jesus. All right, take a look. (dance music playing) (laughter) I could watch that for an hour. Uh, I thought that was
Chrissy Teigen in there. -Um… with her kid.
-(laughter) Most parents in…
That’s not bad. Uh, most parents said they’re
looking for something to do with their kids
between breakfast and nap time. Besides being a parent. Uh, tickets to Baby Rave
are only seven dollars. That’s it? -Do they need an opener?
-(laughter) Uh, just sounds like fun,
doesn’t it? I mean,
not a lot of people realize -the Wiggles’ electronic album
is really good. -(laughter) This way
you don’t have to wonder why your kids ended up on drugs. Yeah. They start out on drugs. You get to share the pacifier
with them at the rave. That’s the thing, it’s a rave–
there’s E, there’s Adderall, -there’s no peanuts.
-Right. -(laughter) This… I dropped my kid off
at Burning Man for ten days. -(laughter) -The good news is,
that’s ten days you relax. ‘Cause you know they’re fine.
You know what I mean? What happened to my mom?
She had NyQuil. -That was the old way to do it.
-(laughter) “Oh, I just woke up.”
“Hey, want a NyQuil?” -“Oh, already?”
-(laughter) What-what… how much
of a novelty will it be that there will be people
drinking Pedialyte the day after a rave who
should be drinking Pedialyte? (laughter) (applause) (whooping) That’s good. This is how Molly
ended up on Molly. -(laughter)
-You know, I think these kids are up to no Gouda. Oh, that’s from the last…
that’s from the last one. -I mix them together, yeah.
-I mixed it up. Here’s a funny story. Authorities divorced…
uh, authorities discovered… (laughter) Authorities discovered
I can’t read. Uh, no, all kidding aside. They discovered that a family
of doomsday preppers– my favorite kind of people–
have been living in a Dutch farmhouse
for ten years with no contact
with the outside world. They’re out now,
and they just want to relax, go see Bill Cosby,
Michael Jackson, have some fun. (laughter) The oldest sibling escaped
to a pub to get help from the family…
for the family to get out. And, uh, I’m not into
the “doomsday prepper” thing. I just, I feel like this family
might have been onto something, ’cause it’s not doomsday,
but it’s not not doomsday. (laughter) SPADE:
That’s true. -(applause, whooping)
-Are we in a middle ground? I would be happier
if I had been in a basement -for the last ten years.
-Yeah. And they have their own, like, farm,
and so they’re self-sufficient. -I feel like they’re… going…
-They’re onto something. -Yeah. -Yeah,
’cause I-I’m extreme doomsday. Like, if I do it–
I sort of want to get wiped out with the nuclear bomb,
because what is the alternative? I’m living a mile under my house
with a, you know, candle from Crate & Barrel,
eating Dinty Moore for two years, and I come up… -Oh, not yet? Okay.
-(laughter) -I heard the guy had five beers
before asking for help. -Yeah. Like, sometimes it’s
more important to get drunk -than be rescued.
-Yeah. -(laughter) I-I don’t think these people
are doomsday preppers. Weed has been legal in the
Netherlands for a long time. I think they just started
watching animal videos on YouTube
and lost track of time. -Yeah.
-(laughter) (applause, whooping) Yeah, this kid was eight
when he went in. He came out at 18,
had five beers. He was like, “Last I remember
I was at a rave, and then…” (laughter) I just feel like some of
these kids are up to no Gouda. -(laughter)
-It worked.

89 Comments

  • Jackie Yoshi

    October 18, 2019

    I love you David!

    Reply
  • dankim23

    October 18, 2019

    Can we get @johnmayer on here

    Reply
  • ᎶᏕ gαмιиg

    October 18, 2019

    Can we get conan on here?

    Reply
  • Faded History

    October 18, 2019

    There were some very gouda jokes here

    Reply
  • R W

    October 18, 2019

    Love this show!

    Reply
  • Deanna W

    October 18, 2019

    Dinty Moore, ugh so gross

    Reply
  • ali ali

    October 18, 2019

    door to door cheese salesmen – how can that NOT go wrong???

    Reply
  • Recusant BilE

    October 18, 2019

    DAVIDFUCKINSPADERULEZ!!!

    Reply
  • steve donahue

    October 18, 2019

    see? its better when he has comedians as guests…..having diplo and bella thorne on made me almost give up on this show….

    Reply
  • Mike

    October 18, 2019

    When the cops busted the cheese thieves, did they say "That's nacho cheese"?

    Reply
  • Ophelia Pain

    October 18, 2019

    I love David! It would be awesome to have Conan on here. Keep up the good work! Love ya!

    Reply
  • J Nic

    October 18, 2019

    Vanessa is not cute

    Reply
  • Isadore Willis

    October 18, 2019

    “Too much teeth” Who’s heard it more the gay dude or Vanessa?

    Reply
  • Time Warped

    October 18, 2019

    I really enjoyed your show.
    Thanks, David 👍

    Reply
  • The Migraine Guy

    October 18, 2019

    Man, some of these jokes were cheesy.

    Reply
  • AdamJLand

    October 18, 2019

    I got up from my bed to eat cheese one minute in to this video…

    Reply
  • Matt Nelson

    October 18, 2019

    Ill hook that cougar up with a great weekend, no questions asked. If she has questions, give me 24hours jeads up, and ill mKe sure that cougar won't know whats going on. David,you're the shit.

    Reply
  • Xion Temoc

    October 18, 2019

    Why is this annoying snl chic on here? She SUCKS

    Reply
  • kirwi kirwinson

    October 18, 2019

    She just couldn't help but try and take it to some anti Trump material. That's all SNL is anymore.

    Reply
  • Noah The Kid

    October 18, 2019

    what's the name of the guy on the right? he's hilarious.

    Reply
  • John Andersen

    October 18, 2019

    Am I the only one who thinks Vanessa Bayer is pulling off a young Carrie Fisher/Princess Leia look?

    Reply
  • Job Acevedo

    October 18, 2019

    Wait Dave you got kids?

    Reply
  • Vamanos Ninja

    October 18, 2019

    No peanuts. Lol

    Reply
  • Molly Hannah

    October 18, 2019

    "Not a lot of people realize The Wiggles electronic album is really good…"

    Reply
  • Scott Walker

    October 18, 2019

    My TV provider dropped your show. They suck ass.
    David Spade is the best late show on the air

    Reply
  • Strika1184

    October 18, 2019

    This group was great

    Reply
  • Balasaravanan Palanirajh

    October 18, 2019

    No cheese? Talk about religion
    Have you heard about our
    Lord Cheeses Crust

    Reply
  • J Canines

    October 18, 2019

    Vanessa Bayer’s smile FTW ❤️

    Reply
  • Spencer J Elliott

    October 18, 2019

    I miss when gay guys were just gay in private, and not trying to make it obvious to strangers.

    Reply
  • Dan Allen

    October 18, 2019

    God damn it, now i want some pedialite

    Reply
  • bossfan49

    October 18, 2019

    Vanessa looks like she's wearing an Andie Walsh design.

    Reply
  • Dustin

    October 18, 2019

    I feel they coulda worked in a "nacho" ( not yo) cheese joke

    Reply
  • Vinson

    October 18, 2019

    Gouda stuff
    Great to see Vanessa out and about!

    Reply
  • Cheez

    October 18, 2019

    is this show scripted? jokes seem set up in advance.

    Reply
  • Scott Stewart

    October 18, 2019

    Vanessa delivered the best jokes.

    Reply
  • Darryl Knox

    October 18, 2019

    Daves a funny guy, obviously, but this "show" is excruciating. These comedy people that they get are not good at making shit up. Awful!!! Id rather see David by himself…

    Reply
  • Scott McMan

    October 18, 2019

    What's with the red utility strap hanging over that chick's shoulder?

    Doomsday preppers? More like one crazy guy who had 6 kids in a basement for 9 years until they were adults. Also, the one who escaped actually had gone in that bar several times before he decided to ask for help. So, he'd come in, have a few beers, not enough to tell the horrific story of his life underground. Then, one day, after 5 beers and a buzz, he started babbling like a canary…or is it singing like a bush? (a gold star to whoever gets that last reference). Anyway, as more of the story comes to light, don't be surprised if there was some incest happening down there. Old guy: "When it's all over and we go up, we'll have to start humankind all over again." Or, translated into English: "We gonna haveta git busy and have us some babies ya'll. Best we do it a lot so we kin be ready." Kid: Yeah, but Paw, you laid on top of Cindy Lou Lou Bell 23 times and onlyist 19 times on me. How em I gonna be ready ifin I don't git the same as Cindy Lou?" Old guy: "Don't you fret nun Becky Jo Bobby Sue, Pa's a fixin to git you all caught up ta yer sister straight away. But remember, we don't need no babies right now, so do like I showed you and always stand on yer head for 10 minites after Pa does his thang."

    Seriously, imagine living underground for 9 years and actually growing up down there? Of course, if you don't know anything else, it's normal to you. So, there's nothing really to compare it to. Obviously, the guy needs to be evaluated in a mental facility, unless he just did it because he's a creepy A-Hole, which wouldn't surprise me. What does surprise me, is this story isn't from the US, which is a sad testament in itself.

    Reply
  • William Shaw

    October 18, 2019

    I know the 7-Eleven he's talking about…it's on Yucca and Franklin, just above Hollywood Blvd. I used to go there sometimes in the mid-2000s; I once saw Ethan Embry there. Mostly I just stuck with the Pla-Boy a block away.

    Reply
  • Matt Taylor

    October 18, 2019

    Dusty Slay baybeeeee!! We're having a good time!

    Reply
  • Tanya Marr

    October 18, 2019

    Laugh tracks? Really?

    Reply
  • PSN: mike_dropped

    October 18, 2019

    If they had just cut the cheese, then they wouldn't have been wanted.
    True of them, true of us all.

    Reply
  • SirVic42

    October 18, 2019

    This segment was so gouda!

    Reply
  • Jeff B

    October 18, 2019

    Why does Vanessa have a belt over her shoulder

    Reply
  • Ro Ems

    October 18, 2019

    Link the names of your guests in the descriptions! Come on Spade, hook up your peoples!

    Reply
  • Leightnite!

    October 18, 2019

    Dusty Slay! Hell yeah

    Reply
  • Old Cremona

    October 18, 2019

    “Started watching animal videos and lost track of time”. Story of my life

    Reply
  • doug peters

    October 18, 2019

    Cream cheese was made of these, who am I to diss a brie

    Reply
  • Vipul Doshi

    October 18, 2019

    ill ask this again, where the fuck is the bobby lee and andrew santino episode?

    Reply
  • Kace Did

    October 18, 2019

    Alright, we're havin' a good time.

    Reply
  • GnomeDeGuerre

    October 18, 2019

    They doomaday oreppers come out every ten years, to check for their shadow.

    Reply
  • Dyers

    October 18, 2019

    I think Vanessa is so freakin cute.

    Reply
  • Siddhi Desai

    October 18, 2019

    💖 Guy Barnum! He's not a crime scene investigator but he is a lawyer

    Reply
  • Michael Cameron

    October 19, 2019

    I wish Vanessa would just marry me already..

    Reply
  • Chuck Taylor

    October 19, 2019

    Baby Raves? Only in CA. Where's an earthquake when you need one.

    Reply
  • David Pearce

    October 19, 2019

    Dusty Slay is absolutely my favorite comedian.

    Reply
  • Just News

    October 19, 2019

    They grow up so fast,. that's my joke, you can use it.

    Reply
  • filmsensei

    October 19, 2019

    Omg! This is one of the funniest segments I’ve seen yet! I might have to get cable now so I can watch the full dang episodes. Love David Spade!

    Reply
  • Cajun PipeSmoker

    October 19, 2019

    I don’t know who the bald guy is or what he does… but based on this performance, I’m not a big fan. Spade can pull off snarky, this guy comes across like someone shoved a cob up his butt

    Reply
  • KelMaster Construction

    October 19, 2019

    This is funny? Commy Central sure has lost it's edge.

    Reply
  • BadCrispy

    October 19, 2019

    Another great show! Your guests always kill. More people need to see how funny Dusty is.

    Reply
  • Mes Guided

    October 19, 2019

    This is pretty Gouda…

    Reply
  • Valley Girl

    October 19, 2019

    Just no nuts! Lol!

    Reply
  • Joel Middaugh

    October 20, 2019

    Yes. The crime of the century is….wait for it….Brie Larson.
    Sorry I had to do it.

    Reply
  • Eric Shortridge

    October 20, 2019

    the laugh track is too obvious

    Reply
  • Silly Goose

    October 20, 2019

    i think that's what they call in the gay community, a "bear"

    Reply
  • MayaMarilyn

    October 21, 2019

    Gouda.

    Reply
  • Retro Causality

    October 23, 2019

    I bet Vanessa could do a killer Lady Gaga impression.

    Reply
  • Flora Griffin

    October 23, 2019

    David Spade! Wow! I love you as Griffin from the Hotel Transylvania Movies! I wish you'd be more like your Character from Hotel Transylvania!

    Reply
  • BoppoB

    October 28, 2019

    This episode was so good lol

    Reply
  • Herp All Day

    October 29, 2019

    Fresno wuddup doe

    Reply
  • M J M

    November 2, 2019

    #Spoiler Some of us aren't allowed within 500yds of a Baby Rave video. #Allegedly

    Reply
  • scully

    November 5, 2019

    Vanessa Bayer is such a sweetheart and fresh breath of air. Shows you don't have to be a jerk to do comedy!

    Reply
  • Mark Weller

    November 10, 2019

    Sometimes I think Dave is up to no gouda.

    Reply
  • Christopher

    November 13, 2019

    I think it's impossible not to love Vanessa Bayer 😊

    Reply
  • Sean Wilks

    November 14, 2019

    I legit thought that was billy ray until he talked….

    Reply
  • Sbc 9696

    November 17, 2019

    Are any gay guys watching this video thinking to themselves..hmm I want to bang that fat guy..didnt think so

    Reply
  • Richard Miller

    November 19, 2019

    It's not doomsday ,but its not NOT doomsday. – that was pretty cool. That was pretty cool!

    Reply
  • Rick G

    November 23, 2019

    Vanessa Bayer just lovingly greets you with her gums..

    Reply
  • fat matt

    November 24, 2019

    How is sooo not funny…over rated … stupid bitch from snl on this….?

    Reply
  • Nate Hill

    December 4, 2019

    Vanessa is great – and I know idiots that would bring their kids to a rave

    Reply
  • John Brickel

    December 5, 2019

    Did those thieves try to mové the product whole, or did they cut the cheese first?

    Reply
  • Relytia

    December 15, 2019

    Dusty Slay is one of my favorite newer comedians. Love that you had him on the show!

    Reply
  • FieryReign

    December 19, 2019

    That girl's been studying Norm

    Reply
  • bR41N b0X

    December 19, 2019

    “We’re having a good time.”

    Reply
  • MiketheYung God

    December 25, 2019

    Vanessa is so adorable.

    Reply
  • Radhia Deedou

    January 8, 2020

    Baby raves make a lot of sense if you think about it, toddlers are basically high all the time

    Reply
  • Caleb

    January 19, 2020

    I feel like some of these kids are up to no goodah

    Reply
  • Jimmy Jazz

    January 29, 2020

    Attn Cheese Lovers: Safeway brand New York white extra sharp cheddar is THE BOMB!!

    Reply
  • rushmore IV

    January 31, 2020

    I love that dude's 1973 tortoiseshell eyeglasses. They appeared in about 35% of the student and faculty yearbook photos back then.

    Reply

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