Over the weekend
Justin Bieber told PETA “Go focus on real problems,”
after they spoke out against his recent $35,000 purchase
of two exotic cats. Are we with PETA
or the Biebs on this one? Biebs is so good looking
it’s ridiculous. -I don’t– Yeah, he’s gorgeous.
-He’s gorgeous. -Yeah, gorgeous.
-We both… -That’s not debatable.
-That’s Justin Bieber? -Yeah. -Oh. I thought
it was Tilda Swinton. (laughter and applause) Justin Bieber’s sister. I don’t know, man,
I think, like, if we’ve learned one thing, it’s just don’t get
in PETA’s way, man. Don’t rile them up. They’re resting face is furious. -SPADE: Yes, terrifying.
-You know? -That’s their business.
-SPADE: They’re tough. I think they need
a better spokesperson than the woman who’s screaming
at Bieber. Like, have a janky cat, like,
say something. Like, standing in a dirty
litter box, like, “I’m not good enough to sit
on Hailey Baldwin’s lap for 15 minutes,” or whatever
his wife’s name is. If you pay that much money
for an exotic pet, -like, keep it, keep it secret.
-SPADE: Sure. I mean, listen, guys have
been… -I’m sure you’ve got prob– you’ve got, like,
a hammerhead shark in your house somewhere. -But he doesn’t talk about it.
-That’s Tracy Morgan. -No. No. -This is just
what celebrities do. They buy exotic animals, right? Like, it just gets to a level
where you make so much money that regular material things
just don’t satisfy you anymore. It’s like, it goes
from cars to yachts, and then gorillas.
Like, that’s how it goes. You don’t think
MC Hammer regrets getting that waterfall
in his bedroom now? He’s like, “Ugh, what the hell
was I thinking?” It’s so hard to remove.
after you put it in. You can’t just spackle
over that. That’s… -Listen, we have a picture of…
-The poor company that had -to repossess that.
-Here’s a picture of the cats
when they’re grown up. -That’s terrifying.
-FRANJOLA: Is that the cat? SPADE:
Yeah, that’s how big they get. That’s going to attack him
worse than PETA did. -SPADE: Yeah.
-THOMPSON: Yeah. (laughter and applause) All right. So, enough about that. An iPhone user in Russia
is suing Apple, claiming an app on his phone
turned him gay. Uh, the man said
he received 69 GayCoins on a cryptocurrency app–
that’s fishy already– on his iPhone and now is mired
in a same-sex relationship. First of all,
they had me at 69 gay Bitcoins. FRANJOLA:
Yeah, right? You give me those,
I’m on my knees. Um, Rob, you’re smart.
Uh, do you… Can you explain
gay cryptocurrency? Well, first of all,
first of all, I agree. I am smart. I’m very smart. Um, I can’t… I don’t know
if I can explain it so much, because I did not have
this experience. I bought
some gay cryptocurrency. -Sure. Just to experiment.
-But I’m not… It didn’t turn me gay. Like, I would love to be gay
if something could just… -Gay guys are so much fun.
-SPADE: Mm-hmm. -Like you. Like, you’re
just like… -SPADE: Yeah. -(laughter and applause)
-I’m always having a good time. I think my problem is
I bought… I bought 68 of them. -Oh, that’s not gay enough.
-Ah. It’s not… I’ll buy another one
and be gay by morning. I have a biPhone, and, um… (laughter) I have the Pinterest app
on my phone, and is that… I don’t know if that makes me
gay or not, but… -It does. -I was looking at it
for ten minutes yesterday, and I moved into the line
from the Joker to the Judy Garland biopic line. “Oh, listen, who’s…?
Is that Renée Zellweger?” The guy’s suing
for a million rubles, which I have on me.
It’s not even a lot of money. -It’s, like, six bucks. Yeah.
-THOMPSON: Pocket change. Well, I, too, blame technology
for my sexuality with all of my vibrators,
my chocolate fountain, and I had a threesome last week
with a dude and a Roomba. So, you know. -Is that what
you use Roombas for? -Wow. Sprinkle some crumbs on
and let the machine handle it. Listen, iPhones
don’t make people gay. I think we know
that ringtones do. All right, brace yourself, guys. In earth-shattering news
of the day, after almost a month of dating, The Bachelorette’s
Tyler Cameron and model Gigi Hadid
have broken up. If you need to call someone,
I’ll pause. -Um…
-Wow. Studio audience,
we’re passing around Kleenex. Uh, I should say that Tyler
is a friend of the show. ANNOUNCER:
Friend of the show. -♪ ♪
-(laughter) Well, these two babes, I feel like they’re gonna land
on their feet even though her sweater’s giving
me a (bleep) seizure right now. What is that made by, Pokémon? -Yeah.
-I think good-looking people are gonna do fine, right?
He was sort of a plus-one. -Yes.
-That’s a tough spot. -Yeah, yeah. -You hang out
with The Rock a lot. -Yeah.
-SPADE: Now… -Uh-oh. -SPADE: You’re not
a plus-one. I’m just saying. I… Y-Yeah, I’ve done a… I’ve done show with The Rock
for five years. I’m not even, like,
in his top ten, I don’t think. -He has a lot of people
around him, right? -Probably. -Yes, the answer’s yes.
-A guy to push the buttons on the treadmill to go faster.
(beeping) -I’ve been that guy.
-He has a hair person. (laughter) -I’m not kidding.
-That’s how rich he is? I want to know if the Hadids–
like, that’s Gigi and Isabella. Do they have, like, a regular…
It’s just, like, Susan Hadid? You know, just shows up
to the hip parties with a covered dish,
like, “Ah!” -That’s hilarious.
-Doesn’t have Instagram. -That would be like me.
-“I don’t even know how this damn thing works.” Well, he’s 26, and she’s 24. I think the age thing
got to him. -(Franjola scoffs)
-The age difference is too much. THOMPSON:
No, here’s what’s messed up, is that she took him
to a funeral, and then they broke up. And I’m like, “No, that’s
a huge relationship step.” If I go to a funeral with you, the next thing we’re going to
together is our wedding. Like, that’s… It’s ridiculous. Who are the biggest plus-ones
in history? -I’d say Stedman.
-Stedman. -That’s a big one.
-Stedman’s number one biggest. -Uh, you with The Rock.
-Yep. Is there any other big ones? Oh,
the guy that hangs out with… John Travolta’s beard.