Jokes That Didn’t Make It Pt. 11 – Lights Out with David Spade

Jokes That Didn’t Make It Pt. 11 – Lights Out with David Spade


Well, everybody, your
favorite part of the show – When it’s not on TV. If a joke’s bad, I say,
“Dogshit. Try again.” and I stamp it. For the first time in over
a century, a pack of wolves was spotted in Colorado. The wolves were like, “We’ll
huff, and we’ll puff… on that dank-ass legal weed. Blowin’ clouds! Uff-uff-uff-uff-uff. Awoooo!” So fuckin’ dumb. That’s why I didn’t do it. When I have to add extra
stuff to it like that. But, “We’ll huff, and we’ll
puff” is kind of funny. Part of that. Not enough
to get it on the show, though. A woman was stopped from boarding
her United Airlines flight because of her low-cut top. They finally let her on the
plane after she told ’em they were her therapy tits. A pregnant woman used a
Nerf gun to keep her husband awake during labor. It sounds rude, but it’s not worse than
the usual method: screaming, “You did this to me, you piece of shit!” I don’t like when guys go in there and… watch. Would never. And when they film it,
and you go to their house: “Hey, do you wanna see
a couple of clips from the birth?” “No.” No. No one’s ever asked.
Nobody wants to ever see it. A new prequel could see Willy
Wonka’s return to the screen as a woman. I know why I didn’t do this one. So be on the lookout for the new movie, “Willy Wonka and the
Unwatchable Piece of Shit.“ I go, “Guys, you think… Will girls be offended?
Will 50% of our crowd be offended by this?” They go, “Well, I dunno.” You don’t know? In this version, the
glass elevator gets stuck under the glass ceiling. They’re trying to dig their
way out of it. Didn’t work. Joaquin! – bless you – Phoenix
tied himself to a bridge in London in a plea for
people to switch to veganism. It only took 25 minutes
of being tied to the actor before the bridge jumped off itself. It’s not bad, but he’s a friend. He’s a friend. And I don’t make fun of him. ’Cause he’s my buddy. And he came over once, and he wore a karate outfit, which is par for the course. You gotta love a dude that just comes over: “Hey, I’m near you. I’m ’bout five away.” I go, “From my house?” He goes, “Yeah, can I come by?” I go, “Yeah.” Ding-dong! That fast. I go, “Did you mean five milliseconds?” Then he comes in. “Hi-yah!” Robert Pattinson has been
named the most handsome man in the world, according
to the the Golden Ratio. I thought the Golden Ratio
was how much you can pee on someone before they
say their safe word. It’s funny, but it’s maybe a
little too rough for this show. Some parents say Shakira’s tongue wagging and J.Lo’s pole dancing were
inappropriate for kids at the halftime show. And some guys said
A-Rod’s ass-kissing was inappropriate for husbands. OK, this one, you have
to pay attention to: A Connecticut man got
a job at a gas station. He stole $17,000 worth of merchandise during his first shift. His new job is running from the police, and unfortunately it lasts forever, and only pays a flat fee of $17,000. That’s a thinker, you guys. ’Cause he stole it, but now… OK. A Japanese restaurant has
built a robotic bartender. It’s just like a real bartender –
if you tip ’em enough, you can fuck ’em. Is that true? Keith Richards has
announced he quit smoking. In other news, Camel cigarettes announced it’s filing for bankruptcy. I only like that and almost considered it because Camel is such
an old-term cigarette. I would accept Kool cigarettes, with a “K.” I would accept Pall Mall. Kim Kardashian said her
daughter Chicago fell out of her high chair and ended up
with a scar on her face. Whereas Kim only has scars under her butt, boobs, stomach, chin… and hairline. Allegedly. Last night, Drew Carey revealed he was the llama for “The Masked Singer.” Actually, Good Housekeeping
predicted that the llama was me. Which is odd, because I recently was robbed by bad housekeeping – my maid. It’s a true story. But it was more of a news report than a funny story. Breaking news: The Pussycat
Dolls have returned. To what? Their day jobs
managing a Forever 21 at the Beverly Center? I mean… In record-breaking news… Oh,
this is a long one. Sit tight. In record-breaking news, British Airways recorded the fastest ever
transatlantic flight. Those words are already too
long. Joke’s almost over. After winds from a storm
blew the jet from the U.S. to Heathrow at 800 miles an hour. The bad news is then they
had to taxi for three hours as they waited for a gate. Ain’t it the truth? I just like it for: “Ain’t it the truth?” You get there fast, you gotta wait. Jane Fonda promised…
Oh, we’re bringing it home. Jane Fonda promised to
cut back on shopping, so she re-wore the same dress
to the Oscars last night. She did splurge on a new face, though. Hey, you got money burnin’
a hole in your pocket, you gotta do something with it. That was it. We did good. Lights out!

56 Comments

  • Bonnie Geppert

    February 21, 2020

    Love this segment!

    Reply
  • Peter Ballin

    February 21, 2020

    Therapy tits was a winner

    Reply
  • victor odom

    February 21, 2020

    Therapy tits…hmm

    Reply
  • Grundy

    February 21, 2020

    This segment has better jokes than anything that airs on Kimmel, Fallon, etc…
    Your fat is better than their cream.
    Keep it up Spade!

    Reply
  • Hating me is conforming

    February 21, 2020

    Jokes that didn't make it, hey can someone get me the script to "Black Sheep"?

    Reply
  • Trap Town xyz

    February 21, 2020

    I look forward to more videos.Keep it up! Would you like to be YouTube friends? 🙂

    Reply
  • Trap Town xyz

    February 21, 2020

    Nice video! Keep it up! Would you like to be YouTube friends? 🙂

    Reply
  • Ethan Aleman

    February 21, 2020

    Camel file fir bankruptcy lol

    Reply
  • Jay Brooks

    February 21, 2020

    To wordy.. the cigarette joke.. sounds like kevin wrote it… same with the lame airport joke.. you’re about 40 years late for that one..

    Reply
  • rr4298

    February 21, 2020

    Therapy sweater puppies , try again Dave not a bad joke

    Reply
  • Frank Arrietta

    February 21, 2020

    WhTs up, Dave? Can’t afford Norm to write!?

    Reply
  • Jackie Yoshi

    February 21, 2020

    I love you David Spade!

    Reply
  • Renaud Villacis

    February 21, 2020

    I saw spade wearing a lights out cap on some show . Where can I get one ?

    Reply
  • TheSardonicMan

    February 21, 2020

    allegedly

    Reply
  • Lisa Henderson

    February 21, 2020

    Just want to say how much I enjoy David’s show and I think he’s the best!

    Reply
  • dankwrasslin

    February 21, 2020

    joaquin phoenix is invited to my place anytime

    Reply
  • Tyler B

    February 21, 2020

    Comedy sucks these days, no pun intended, and these writers are trash homo sapiens. Can’t make fun of women? Can’t make fun of minorities? This show is just a spinoff of Bill Maher’s Politically Incorrect, except overly politically correct… I hope the writing staff’s sore and bruised knees heal the day David stops flopping around his wrists. Be proud of your intolerance against the intolerant! Ya bunch of broken wrist Homo sapiens

    Reply
  • Istdoch Allesegal

    February 21, 2020

    Love the paradox of David making rejected jokes funny. Though the funny jokes about the Colorado wolf pack and the bridge jumping from itself were unfortunate casualties…

    Reply
  • Michelle Mattaliano

    February 21, 2020

    Not offended…

    Reply
  • RIXRADvidz

    February 21, 2020

    4:34, MEE – YOW, saucer o'cream for that catty remark. rrarowr. (claw hand side eye)

    Reply
  • RIXRADvidz

    February 21, 2020

    in Britain, they always offer The Vegetarian Option,

    make do or fuck off.

    Reply
  • ominous thoughts

    February 21, 2020

    Not dogshit. You mean Crud. White crud

    Reply
  • rr4298

    February 21, 2020

    A women with a low cut top and large boobs tries to board a plane, when stopped she says these are my therapy sweater puppies . The attendant replied those are therapy for all the passengers , thank you for sharing them .

    Reply
  • Erik Killmonger

    February 21, 2020

    Love the show. Spade's killing it with this one. Hope Comedy Central appreciates it.

    Reply
  • TXMEDRGR

    February 21, 2020

    It's all in the Spade delivery.

    Reply
  • Kunisada

    February 21, 2020

    Pall Mall is made by Camel. lolz

    Reply
  • Eddie Black

    February 21, 2020

    Actually some of those are better than some that made the show.

    Reply
  • Recusant BilE

    February 21, 2020

    DAVIDFUCKINSPADERULEZ!!!

    Reply
  • Steve Mack

    February 21, 2020

    How about Unwillied Wonka

    Reply
  • Jason Gastrich

    February 21, 2020

    lol

    Reply
  • thanksfernuthin

    February 21, 2020

    David. You know we love you, right?

    Reply
  • Disiam Theillusion

    February 21, 2020

    David Spade roast uncensored plzzzzzz

    Reply
  • Barry Super

    February 21, 2020

    "Jokes that didnt make it" a/k/a Bobby "Back to the drawing board" Miyamoto

    Reply
  • Yeager Film

    February 21, 2020

    These videos save lives.

    Reply
  • ali ali

    February 21, 2020

    the best jokes : )

    Reply
  • blond339

    February 21, 2020

    they are my husband therapy tits

    Reply
  • Jeff Z

    February 21, 2020

    Hey Spade you Ellen looking little bitch. You know your are the number one late night guy right?

    Reply
  • ernieD

    February 21, 2020

    LO F-ing L!! Some real zingers here….I would've allowed it. ;>)

    Reply
  • john probst

    February 21, 2020

    piece of shit is todays statement.

    Reply
  • Dark Eagle777777

    February 21, 2020

    Have to disagree with the comic master, but I thought the wolves joke was pretty damned funny!

    Reply
  • Mike Oxmaul

    February 22, 2020

    Oh how i long for the days when social media wasnt around to give pussies the ability to tell everyone that they're offended.

    Reply
  • Atom Manhattan

    February 22, 2020

    'Emotional support tits' would've been better phrasing…just saying

    Reply
  • Toni Raff

    February 22, 2020

    3x times David Spade written in the backround, 😂

    Reply
  • Kj O

    February 22, 2020

    Cutie 😉

    Reply
  • Cyclops Was Right

    February 22, 2020

    I'm just sitting here, chilling, and the joke about the robotic bartender made me totally lose my shit. If you had told me 20 years ago that David Spade would say something that would make me laugh, I would have called you a lying, dog-faced pony soldier.

    Reply
  • viviandarkbloom100

    February 22, 2020

    Therapy Tits. Great idea.

    Reply
  • Dennis Riblett

    February 22, 2020

    We will Huff and We will Puff and We will ….waitaminute What the heck were We doing ?????

    Reply
  • John Gullo

    February 22, 2020

    The Keith Richards joke was pretty good.

    Reply
  • Andrew Grandma

    February 22, 2020

    The amount of shit jokes that did make it made me think you didn't cut anything. Have Norm Macdonald help you with a Jokes segment.

    Reply
  • Czechbound

    February 22, 2020

    Oh no .. they've green screened the office !

    Reply
  • Greg Orlando

    February 23, 2020

    Keep a couple more of those jokes

    Reply
  • Marc A.

    February 23, 2020

    love the music & your material, sorry your girlfriend wasn't seen smirking in the background..

    Reply
  • Michael P. Shipley

    February 23, 2020

    KIng of the outtros.

    Reply
  • Christopher O'Neill

    February 23, 2020

    Has there been a Guerilla Radio joke? like how all the guerillas are dying and they can't even radio for help because of the fact we don't care. Lights OUT! huh? how that for branding association?

    Reply
  • Robert Bullock

    February 23, 2020

    Yes, if you'd only said 'Marlboro' cigarettes Mr. Joke writer. Surprised David didn't. Survey says…..https://youtu.be/gaQHlACUzug?t=189 As in: "She's got a Marlboro toe going on."

    Reply
  • Quick Dimwit

    February 23, 2020

    Offended by the truth? Oh flippin well. Maybe make your own original content like men do instead of just copying them to pretend like you’re as capable. They came up with their own original content. See the problem here? If you don’t you’re brain damaged.

    Reply

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