So last night, uh,
was a big night for show biz. Everyone’s buzzing about it.
Let’s just get into it. It was the XFL season opener
over the weekend. -(laughter)
-Can you believe it? I’m a diehard
Seattle Dragons fan. You know what?
And they (bleep) doubted us. No one thought
we’d be one and oh right now. Oh, and there were the Oscars.
All right. I’ll just say upfront,
I was a little surprised that Parasite had the sweep. I thought
with all the subtitles, it was maybe gonna win
Best Book. -(laughter)
-But, you know… I’m gonna wait for the English
remake, Crazy Broke Asians. (laughter) -(applause and cheering)
-Yeah. They have all these prop bets,
you know, for the Oscars. I wish I had taken, uh, “Best Actor
that talks about cow jiz at some point
during his speech.” (laughter, applause) That was three to one. Could have cleaned up. Uh, Billie Eilish was there to perform
the In Memoriam segment. And she was good. She only stopped five times
to point at the screen and go, -“Who’s that?”
-(laughter) “Oh, they’re dead?
So they were alive? So, okay. That sucks.” ♪ La, la, la-la. ♪ Anyway, what did you guys think? I loved
how drunk Diane Keaton was. Oh, yeah. Was she, uh…? Was she drunk,
or something was going on? I mean, I don’t know.
She was definitely toking on a little Bong Joon,
if you know what I’m saying. -Ee-ooh, ee. -That’s how ladies
act around Keanu. Even me. I’m like, “Oh, oh. Keanu.” He’s got that effect on ladies. That’s right. With…
DiCaprio usually brings his mom. -But he brought his date
this time. -FEIMSTER: Mm-hmm. And he’s like, “Hey, Mom,
maybe you can go with Keanu. I don’t know.”
He’s sort of, uh… I thought… I thought
Joaquin’s speech was great, man. -SPADE: Yeah?
-I really liked it. Uh, and, uh, I was just happy to see some straight white men
represented finally. -FEIMSTER: Yeah.
-SPADE: Finally. With… with Eminem
and everyone winning. I was half waiting
for them to be like, “We’d like to award Bob Saget with
a Lifetime Achievement Award.” (laughter) Yeah, I liked Joaquin’s speech. As an inseminated cow myself.
Like… (laughter) (applause and cheering) I like that he…
I like that he was saying like, “We’re not good enough to cows.”
I’m like, “Yeah, we just started
respecting women in Hollywood four weeks ago.” What? -(laughter)
-Four weeks ago, really? I don’t understand the, like…
Do we drink milk or do we not? (laughter) -I don’t know. -He was
a little murky about that. -Yeah, he sort of jumped around.
-Yeah. I love Joaquin,
’cause he’s bananas. I think
it’s really fun to watch him ’cause he’s got so much
going on in his head. And he’s trying to get it out. It’s-it’s just fun to watch.
I like it. I did think
that it was not diverse enough, and then it was so blatant. -Yeah. -It was like, they were
really in meetings going, “I want everyone you see
to be diverse.” -Yeah. Yeah. Because they even had
a diversity chaperone. -Like, Steve Martin
had Chris Rock. -(laughter) Like, don’t send
a white guy alone. It was so…
There was this weird part. I don’t know if you guys saw it,
but the lady… There was, like,
a couple that won for, like, Best Short Film
or something like that, and the lady brought her purse -on stage.
-FEIMSTER: Her purse. Yeah. And I was like, “This is like
a room full of rich people. Like, nobody wants
your Werther’s Originals, Lady.” You know, like, Jeff.. Jeff Bezos isn’t gonna be like
“Oh, look at this.” -He cleaned up that.
-Yeah. I couldn’t tell if it was
a purse or if it was Joe Pesci. -It took me a second.
-Oh, yeah. -(laughter) It’s true. I felt bad they kept cutting
to Greta Gerwig 55 times. -They’re like…
-TIANA: Yeah. They sort of maybe
wanted her to not go. And then everyone got to go, “Look, You remember you forgot
her?” And she was like… -TIANA: Yeah.
-FEIMSTER: But she was… She was always
on the edge of her seat like, “What’s gonna happen?” SPADE:
She was… she was maybe looking for a write-in vote
or something. It’s like, “You never know,
you never know.” They made it a big deal
that she didn’t get nominated, but women got a lot
of representation. I mean,
look at all the speaking parts -they got in The Irishman,
you know? -(laughter) Speaking parts. So exciting.
You got a speaking part. They got a lot in Little Women. There’s 12 of ’em. Um, Eminem was sort
of a surprise. A big surprise. -FEIMSTER: Oh, yeah.
-TIANA: I loved him. -SPADE: I think it’s cool.
I love him. -(applause) -I was just so excited.
-Yeah? -I mean.
-I was excited in 2002. -TIANA: What?
-(laughter) No I-I love Eminem.
I thought he did amazing. But that’s when you need a host
to be like, “Well, that was
a fun flashback, right?” -You know?
-Yeah. No one said anything. No one. They’re just like, “That… that was
what was supposed to happen.” -You’re like, “Okay.”
-TIANA: I was shocked. I thought the only way
we would see him at the Oscars -was in the In Memoriam section,
you know? -(laughter, groans) I was like,
“Oh. He’s here and he’s alive! This is the best day
of my life.” Even if they said it was a
throwback Thursday or something, -you felt it a little bit.
-Totally. But you know what?
I have to say… because they do… they do
sort of lean on the comics. -TIANA/FEIMSTER: Yeah.
-When they don’t have a host, it turns into it,
because they give the comics, Kristen Wiig and Maya, they
give them a little extra time, and they always seem to score,
and people seem to like it, so they have little tent poles, Will Ferrell and Julia Lou…
you know. So I think
that’s good for comedy. It shows that
it’s perfect for those. Even if they don’t have a host, that’s a good thing
to have out there. They’re the best part
of the show. -Yeah, they’re still getting
some props… -(applause) -Yeah. -Yeah. -Yeah, let’s
give ourselves one of these. -Yeah. -We… we weren’t there,
but we’ll take credit. SPADE:
Not us, exactly. But them. -(cheering)
-I was really upset that Joaquin didn’t
thank himself in his speech. -Yeah.
-I just was shocked he didn’t refer to himself in
the first person the whole time. -(laughter)
-MORRIL: I was a little upset he didn’t mention me
in the speech. He had to follow me
in the Joker movie. Oh, right, you’re in the Joker. -Oh, right!
-A lot of people say… -(cheering, applause)
-Well, hold on. More pats. Hold on a second. Um, a lot of people say that
that’s what made him the Joker, having to follow me
at an open mike and bomb. -(laughter) -So… I’m just
saying what people are saying. It did make me feel like Todd Phillips
should have won Best Director. Once I saw him give his speech,
I was like, “Holy shit.” -(laughter)
-That’s a good point. Just knowing for weeks
that Todd Phillips is like, “Can he please just enter
through the door -and not the window?”
-(laughter) That is crazy–
it reminds you that actors -can only be other people.
-(laughter) -Yeah. Yeah. One day, it was like, “Just
be yourself for 45 seconds.” You’re like, “Oh,
this is gonna be bad,” right? I thought with Parasite–
it got Best Foreign Language– and then when it won
Best Picture, everyone was like, I’m all for foreign movies,
but let’s take it down a notch, like, let’s-let’s get back
to our movies next year, then we’re gonna make sure
that doesn’t happen again. They were a little
weirded out there. All right,
don’t let them get too uppity. -(laughter)
-But they had, the translator -was sort of a hit, the girl
that, uh… -Yeah, she was. -She did great.
-She spoke more than any… She was the host. -Yeah, she was the host.