Jim Breuer – Bombing in Sears – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored



Oh so your I have sent six of my Libyan missiles to blow up the Sears hardware department in Valley Stream Yaya Yaya welcome not happening I'm your host Ari Shaffir and today the topic is crime you guys I'm so excited to do this through my show and make an American laugh for 25 years you guys are going to absolutely love him please give it up for my friend and yours mr. Jim Breuer everybody so I'm gonna tell you about my first job that I ever had and this is when I knew I wanted to do stand-up comedy and I did it you know like my my daughter's 16 now she's not really sure she wants I knew from the time I was 16 I wanted to act be funny and do stand-up and so I got a job my friend hooked me up and I worked in a Sears paint department in Long Island and I ruined a lot of homes just destroyed homes from 1985 to 88 if you go to Long Island now you just see just crap jobs of a house why'd you stay in your bathroom this guy told me what I really I mean it was a joke to me there was two of us that worked in paint and was attached to a mall so literally we we take one hour tag-team breaks so I'm getting paid for four hours work two hours until everyone no you won't like it here go to Benjamin Moore I've touched me to paints better so it was a great gig now when I was there the one thing I still loved doing was I would call all the other departments drop just try them nuts because two things we work department store a you have to pick up the phone they tell you that like no matter how many customers you have you have to pick up the phone it's policy so since I heard there laws are great so I would start with that and and the only the only people that work at a department store are people that are retired or or teenagers and if it's in between that you got someone pregnant or you going through a bad divorce there's no reason why should be 35 like hi welcome to Sears hardware today I could hope you're out with some drill bits you're just you're done you live in your mother's basement you're a zero so I call up old people and like linens you know like hi this is Carol and linens like how you doing today Carol tell me about your lads um and that's that's honestly where I would do impressions it was his fat kid named Scott and he worked in the toy department now this is in the 80s so every couple years a new toy comes out people like kill each other to get the toys and back then it was a Cabbage Patch doll so people are lined up and we were near Jamaica Queens it's a big black area sort of big black ship making like I'm gonna get me the Cabbage Patch doll ooh I know it only made three black ones I want the one and so Scott was petrifying of 40 black women running into his department 8:00 in the morning and that's who I would call them and hello this year's toy department Valley Stream like and Joe Pesci I want to come in here I need a black Cabbage Patch doll don't give me no rain check I'm gonna come on in bust your balls yeah a millipede in 20 minutes because oh my god is that you like with me what Joe Pesci's coming here I don't give him a rain check me out of town so we're gonna paint apart one day and his new guy comes in from hardware right and I'm staring at this banana he's very serious he's he's like fixing the stock he's like this wrench goes over here these hammers go over here they're not where the Chrisman are and I understand really not to fix this department up okay I got a break this dummy in so I I go I go walk it up to her I go hey man my name's Jim I work in the paint department if you need anything just let me know he gets he's snippy with me he's thinking this 40s she goes uh you know I don't need I need you to stay in a paint department okay because you're young you look like you're wasted do you can with job wasted I know it looked like this okay because I hear the way you talk to people in the paint department it's a jump people want your help you don't help them I'm here to explain to them what's the difference between a craftsman tool with drill bits of four and all the different hammers you know you can do me a favor stand on my department I'm here to take this seriously I want to help people stay in pain so all right now I took ISM I took his newspaper it was a newspaper on his Luke des oh my god who took his newspaper or show him now a little part of history at that time America was in a serious situation with Libya huge before bin ladin there is mumma Qaddafi and he was huge in news because he shot six missiles at a u.s. plane he missed and then the next day we bombed his tank that's what happened and it was huge news it was right on if you when you went home you only had four channels for watching TV was before his even remotes or just your father go leg turn on channel 4 and you have to get up me and so everything was next on the news Muammar Qaddafi's America Muammar Qaddafi Muammar Qaddafi shoot six missiles Muammar Qaddafi and the newspaper that I'm looking at the headline has a pitcher Muammar Qaddafi with missiles going behind him so uh I'm sitting at an away all right I'm gonna I'm gonna break this dummy in and I'm gonna call as Muammar Qaddafi cuz I'm just gonna bust his balls relentlessly so I swear on my kids a true story now so I'm look my my where my register is I can see him he's he's maybe 75 feet away and that may be and I'm looking right at him so I got the phone and I'm Compton I'm looking at the newspaper and I ring his department he picks up the phone he goes hello this is Greg Sears hardware in Valley Stream New York how may I help you today I go hello this is moammar gadhafi he goes how nice I got a spell that because what is your name I swear to God what is you I said mama mama Gaddafi the great Libyan leader and here's what how can I help you sir I don't know he's playing with me so I go I have sent six of my Libyan missiles to blow up the Sears hardware department in Valley Stream Long Island mal mal mal yo yo yo yo yeah yeah yeah at least that loud at least that loud I'm not even exaggerating and I go you have 15 minutes to evacuate all of your Craftsman tools in the hammers and the good bits of their hardware hey Hey three misses and and and he's just sitting there listening and he is there any is there anything I can anything else I can do for you mister Qaddafi and I go yes using mills this is my friend long live paint wait that's not the funny part so the break room was attached to paint I leave into the break room and I'm like this is the greatest call ever in history I'm cracking up I'm at the break room and I'm picking out whatever snacks I'm getting and I come back on the floor well you know what let me let me call him up and tell him I was bust his chops right so I call him up and and he doesn't answer it's like oh that's a big no-no I'm gonna report him so I call a supervisor he doesn't he's not picking up the phone like what is it and then and I'm looking around and there's no one on the floor there's no customers there's no salespeople and I really I swear to God like is it a holiday where are we supposed to leave hell's going on so I was just me on the whole second floor it's ears hanging out and paint and then all the Sun guy comes through the stock doors in regular closing fruits go we gotta go we gotta go right now we got one more we got more let's go oh my god right yeah here I thought was a fire so I'm running with him there was a fire I don't know what's going on I don't smell the smoke he's not announcing on fire it's a bomb bombs gonna go off any minute so we talking about is the new guy in hardware had someone call instead of gonna blow the place up and I did what you did I just laugh and that's fun yeah don't that's why does No are you kidding me I said that's why there's no one in Sears he goes yeah and the mall they back away the more hey Wow how did he get a bomb track I said I was Mumma Qaddafi and I sent six Libyan missiles to hit Sears hardware Valley Stream New York which then proceeded with a I ended by saying long live paint that guy's a suspect how can you hire that guy he's a he's a suspect tell everyone to come back so this is hilarious he is not funny man it's not funny wait to see wait view downstairs there's a million cops downstairs yeah I thought I think you're getting arrested no way telling the story man so I go down and there's a lot of cops there's a lot of cops and I shear like a helicopter she's great this is great some I'm Lily going through the ranks of the cops and one at the other oh my god wait Sarge hurry up you gotta hear a story here's the card if you ever need anything you call that thing I'm serious you want to dump a body you need you know you you're wasted slamming a tree call me mad you're gonna claw me because you should become a comedian so that's that's what I'm trying to do you're seriously you got to become a comedian because and that guy is a suspect I agree with you it's a suspect suspect so the Sarge comes right and I'm so excited I've got the highest Rexach sword let's arcs through so our joy to you this story but you got to do that hello my he's gonna love this story's gonna belong to story so I go through the story with Sarge and I have a long live paint he's good oh my god what are you doing here what are you here take a card I'm the stars immediately he goes you should get on stage you should become a comedian I said I'm working our debts he goes listen I have no problem what you did obviously that guy's got problems and hardware is some doctor he might be a suspect I don't know but here's the problem the problem is it's out of my jurisdiction the feds are here I figured I'm killing let's bring it to a new level bring him in bring the feds in bring the feds in I want a badge we're gonna go badges let's go to the top now they're not they're not as loose as the cops urges these guys look like something you would see in a movie right and there's and the one guy comes through and he looks pretty intense and uh he pulls up he pulls up a chair you're like dr. dark cuz uh I don't I don't know what everyone thinks is so funny okay let me explain something to you I had to come in from JFK International Airport I had to call the Secretary of Defense do you realize the situation that's going on with Libya right now and Muammar Qaddafi you think it's funny you think this is funny the cops may think it's funny your little friends may think it's funny here's how we're going to determine the situation you're gonna look at me and my two agents and you're gonna look us in the eye just tell us facts okay and if I determine that your intentions we're not what I like you don't get to call your parents and you don't get to call a lawyer as far as anyone's concerned you're missing do you understand the predicament that you are in no are you high no this is how I look all the time so I and he goes look he goes look them in the eyes all right all right all right all right so I'm in paint and I call the guy from hardware and he says hello this is Greg Sears hardware Valley Stream New York how may I help here and I go through the store and I go I've sent six Libyan missiles to blow up the Sears hardware yeah that's what I did man I'm just saying you what I did because that is that Evan no I ended by saying long live paint that's why we're here I got some police cards if you want to he just he stared at me for like ten seconds and then he goes oh I'll do the paperwork you should become a comedian man get that guy from hardware he's a suspect go get that gun thank you guys

22 Comments

  • Kristin J

    April 15, 2019

    I mean, I have watched this one 3 or 4 times. Long live paint!

    Reply
  • jahovia82 disdik

    April 15, 2019

    This is thee funniest THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TO DATE by far, i thought carrot tops was funny. Take note rogan and christina p. This is text book stand up.

    Reply
  • Corrie Shepard

    April 15, 2019

    Try that nowadays….lmao

    Reply
  • Junior Sanchez

    April 15, 2019

    This shit would offend so many SJW fucks if it ever hit mainstream Lmaooo

    Reply
  • Obeisant

    April 15, 2019

    Jim's a bloody master! Such a good story teller

    Reply
  • 5LRHYTHMS

    April 15, 2019

    I found the report online ?

    Reply
  • Jonas Butler

    April 15, 2019

    Gold. One of the best stories I've ever heard.

    Reply
  • A Fagan

    April 15, 2019

    This is randall monroe from clerks, grown up

    Reply
  • Esostrefis

    April 15, 2019

    The joke starts slow but it grows on you after a minute. Perfect example of storytelling.

    Reply
  • Morgan Sills

    April 15, 2019

    This is by far one of my favorites…

    Reply
  • Nick Marcotte

    April 15, 2019

    Got to love Jim Breuer!!!

    Reply
  • Marco Arce

    April 15, 2019

    Hold on…., I gotta spell that…….

    …..who’s coming with me?…..

    Reply
  • jack bandit

    April 15, 2019

    I absolutely love this story, I dont think any other "this is not happening" will ever come close to this

    Reply
  • Morellio Benoir

    April 15, 2019

    One of the best episodes ever, Jim Breuer is a god damned animal.

    Reply
  • Vincent Booker

    April 15, 2019

    LOL only people who work in the hardware department dislike this video.

    Reply
  • Anonymous Goof

    April 15, 2019

    “I know they only make 3 black ones”

    *proceeds to put up 4 fingers?

    Reply
  • Brandon Alexander Wade

    April 15, 2019

    so……… is that Jenna Marbles in the bottom left up against the stage?

    Reply
  • The House that Jack Built

    April 15, 2019

    Nobody knew who fucking Joe Pesci was in 19 fucking 85

    Reply
  • Raymond Harris

    April 15, 2019

    Even the Feds had to laugh. Great story. LONG LIVE PAINT!!! ?

    Reply
  • electrojones

    April 15, 2019

    Watch at 1.5 speed to hear his non old man delivery.

    Reply
  • electrojones

    April 15, 2019

    Jesus, he is not funny at all.

    Reply
  • Mitch Presley

    April 15, 2019

    "As far as anyone is concerned, you're missing.." LMFAO

    Reply

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