-(screens whooshing) (static) Ah… here we go. Unique New York
Unique New York. I have to practice
my instrument. I can’t wear this hat.
I just saw it on the monitor. Did she get slimed?
Is this… from Nickelodeon? Her hair is green. Remember when they used
to slime people? It was fun. Tell him
to take off his glasses. Can someone get Pacino
to take off his glasses? Oh, shit! Is this De Niro and Pacino or two puppets
from Crank Yankers? Don’t they look like
Crank Yankers? You don’t… Do you get that?
What are you doing? You think you’re gonna get
the coronavirus in here? No, you keep farting. But you can’t catch farts. Say, uh, “Hey, Keanu, is that your girlfriend
or your old girlfriend?” Don’t say that. Do you get that?
‘Cause she’s, uh… Look alive back there. All right, Ryan. Send him off
with an old-school “buh-bye.” Buh-bye. Thank you very much. (laughs)
There you are. You guys, go to Ryan,
who’s interviewing, I think, Billie Eilish and her boyfriend. That’s her brother. Ryan Seacrest is her brother? Oh, the other guy. Oh, that’s her brother? I’m not getting that vibe. I’m getting…
(whistles) How old is he? -18.
-Oh, thank God. Okay. Are we there yet? How many more, uh, people
are entering the red carpet? -How many we got left?
-600. Holy (bleep)aroli. That many?
Who are they turning away? Ryan, throw her name in there so she knows
that you know how to say it. She’s from Ireland.
I’ve been in Ireland. It’s pronounced “Shoe-shaw.” No, it’s pronounced “Sha-nay.” It’s pronounced “Zoo-za.” It’s pronounced
“Za-za-zoo-zoo.” It’s pronounced
“Beep-bop-bop-bop.” It’s “Charcuterie.” It’s “Sheep shit.” I think it’s
“Sonny and Shar-zay.” It’s, like, a soft “S.”
“Sriracha.” I think it’s “Shh…” No, it’s just “Psst. Hey.
Psst, psst, psst, psst.” I think it’s “Psst, psst. Come
here, come here. Psst, psst.” (imitates cat yowling)
“Psst, psst, psst, psst. “Come here.
Come here. Come here. Ronan.” -Did you get that?
-Great to see you, Saoirse. Thank you very much. (bleep) idiot. How does he get this job? Make sure we get a shot
of Brad Pitt putting on that ChapStick. See? Stars,
they’re just like us. All right, go to a commercial. I got to throw these
in the washer. This is my last load, though.
Be back in two and two. Oh, shit.
Do you have any quarters? Do you have any quar… I know you do.
You’re such an asshole. I’ll find them.