Speaking of fights
over the weekend, the really big one
was when Gigi Hadid called Jake Paul irrelevant after he claimed
her boyfriend Zayn Malik tried to start a fight with him. If you’re lost, um,
Gigi Hadid is a model, uh, Jake Paul is a YouTuber, and Zayn Malik is a singer
that dates a model. -(laughter) -So, I mean, I’m
trying to really simplify it, but it’s very complicated. Do you follow anything
that’s going on here? This was at that fight, right?
This was at the… -Oh, I think it was
at the fight, yeah. -Yeah. So, I mean, I feel bad
for the two boxers working their whole lives
out in the gym, and like, “Who’s in the crowd? De Niro?” They’re like,
“No, Zayn Malik. The… tambourine player
from One Direction’s out there.” (laughter, applause) Do you know these guys? I swear to you I have no idea who either one…
three of them are. This is… this is not
the type of stuff we talk about -in the barbershop–
we don’t go… -(laughter) This just shows
how much Vegas has changed. ‘Cause Tyson fights,
Tupac gets killed. -(laughter)
-Tyson Fury fights, these three white people
are arguing with each other. -(laughter)
-Arguing. (applause) -Well… -Never fight with,
like, a hot millennial model. She wouldn’t let it go.
She’s like, “You’re irrelevant and ugly and go to bed.” I’m like, “Aw, God,
leave the poor guy alone. Geez.” Yeah. Is it bad when
the girl sticks up for you? -Yeah. -No, no.
-No, it’s hot. Not if you’re wearing
that jacket. (laughter) My mom got this on QVC
two weeks ago. And now it’s cool.
She was two weeks ahead of it. I think I had that comforter
on my bed when I was… Yeah, I know,
it’s a little throw. Well, I think, you know, she-she actually got a pretty
solid burn in. ‘Cause she goes, “You and your little
irrelevant YouTuber squad. Sorry he didn’t want
to hang out with you.” -And I was like, “Oh, man.”
Because… -(laughter) he’s in One Direction,
but out of those bands, you know,
they’re kind of pussies. I mean, kind of.
Because I’m– being a pussy,
I can talk about this. Because they got rid of,
uh, Harry Styles because he got a gym membership. -That’s how… He wanted pecs.
-Is that why? And they had to– whatever. All right, we’ll move on, because no one knows
what’s going on. Okay, in other
“what’s going on” news, an FIT runway show is under fire
for pressuring the models to wear…
they say racist accessories. One black model refused
to wear them, and, uh, I think all this talk
about racism is distracting from the real story here. -The dresses were so last-year.
Um… -(laughter) Look at these
weirdo dresses, too. I don’t know what
the worst part of this is. -Nice leg. -And the rest of it,
who knows what’s that. Why don’t they just get
ugly people if they want the models
to look… -That’s a great idea.
-I’ll let my stache grow in. -You know?
-Why ugly them up? -Yeah. -It’s more
of a Mr. Potato Head situation. -Yeah.
-(laughter) Aah! There’s more! They’re multiplying,
like the coronavirus. -Wow. -Listen, listen,
white people, listen. -(laughter)
-Let him talk. If a black woman tells you
something is racist, -believe her.
-Yes. -(laughter) Our eye for racism… our eye for racism beats
your eye for fashion. -That’s true.
-This is like when you get one of those caricatures done
of yourself at the amusement park,
and they highlight every one of your faults
that you’re trying to get over. You’re like, “Oh, thanks.
Here’s 20 bucks for making me feel horrible
about my nose.” I thought more mouse ears
than anything. But… but also, you’re right,
if-if she complains, -stop right there.
-Right. -Yeah. A black model says,
“I don’t like this,” go, “We’re pushing through!” You know, like,
it’s all gonna end in tears. Apparently, the designer, they
were supposed to wear earrings. The earrings had not shown up,
and the designer panicked, and said, “Run out and get…
get me some ears! Some giant ears.
Eyebrows. Lips. Something!” Well, in surprising news,
Steven Spielberg’s daughter has apparently gone into porn. “Porno,” as I say,
’cause I’m old. Uh, Spielberg says
he’s supportive, which is really all you can say. You know? You can’t…
you can’t say, “Gross!” You know,
you can’t say anything. You have to be like,
“I’m so proud. This is so great.” So… But it’s definitely… And we’re not gonna do any
Your Ass Licked Park jokes. We refuse. We’re not doing
Schindler’s Fist. We refuse. We’re not. ‘Cause that’s not
the kind of show this is. -What-what… -Oh, this is…
this is not that show. -No.
-But wait. We are gonna do Saving My Privates for Ryan,
though, right? SPADE:
That one… -I-I…
-Thank you. (cheering and applause) I heard E…
I heard E.T. phoned home and said, “Let me talk to that
hot porno daughter of yours.” (laughter and applause) -E.T. wanted in on it?
-Yeah, E.T. -(laughs) Okay.
-That was my E.T. impression. -What, you waiting for mine?
-Yeah, sure. We’re not doing Amistad.
We’re doing I’m-a (bleep). (laughter) -But it’s his adopted daughter.
-(laughs) -It’s his adopted daughter.
-Yes. -Yeah. So, in true moviemaking fashion, just adopt another daughter. Give her the same name. -FRANJOLA: Yeah.
-Have a sequel. SPADE:
Yeah. (laughter and applause) Yeah. And we’re not even… we’re not
even telling people her name, and everyone’s freaking out.
They want to search for her.