Yesterday, I did this monologue,
and then one… a reviewer said,
“Uh, I love the show. “It sort of looks like “David Spade is reading
the teleprompter, and it’s not his stand-up act.” I go, “No shit, Sherlock. I…” He just described
what a TV show is, yeah. Yeah, what are you, new? I mean,
I-I… Do you think I memorized 20 jokes in five seconds?
Whatever. All right. But he liked the show.
First up… -That’s all that matters.
-That’s all that matters. It seems like a nice show. It’s a nice show,
it’s a nice crowd. -Everyone’s nice.
These two are nice. -Mm. (applause and cheering) We’ll get into it. Uh… The first thing up is a mom’s
Facebook rant went viral after she said people without
children should be banned from Disney World, and it
sparked a big online debate. So adults with no kids
who go to Disneyland– is it cute,
or do we call the cops? -Theo, you seem like a creep.
What do you think? -Oh, yeah. -The mullet. -SPADE: Are you
roaming around Disneyland? I do… I do seem like a creep,
honestly, but, um… (laughter) I would say… I don’t… I mean, I think
I go to probably Disneyland or large environments
like that to see… probably to see,
I like watching… Chinese people eat big things,
you know? (laughter) That’s a really specific fetish. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, so… -Big pretzels count?
-Oh, big pretzels, -the cotton candy, dude, it’s…
-Yep. I mean, it’s really…
it’s something. -Yeah.
-You know? If you go there. I mean,
some people love a sunset, but I really love a, you know,
a Cantonese fella just… just nomming
into a big cotton candy. -You know? -I was embarrassed
when I saw this, ’cause I went there last week,
and I freaking love Disneyland, and I don’t have kids. Um, I just never had the urge
to ruin my life, -so I don’t have kids,
but I love going… -“The urge.” I cut in line to kids
to get front row at Pirates of the Caribbean,
and I was like, “Whoo.” But it’s dangerous.
I was saving lives. -You need people without kids…
-Yeah. -That’s true. Where’s your tweet?
Is there a tweet of you? -Oh, come on. Oh, come on!
-Yeah! (whooping) SPADE: Is that supposed
to be “childless”? What about
childless Gen X? Yeah. KIRKMAN:
Oh, and I have this freakin’… -I spelled it wrong.
-SPADE: I know. So dumb. Who’s the next guy, huh? Oh, and now everyone
knows I’m old, ’cause I put my generation. -Goddamn it. Delete that.
-Oh. -What a fumble across the board.
-But look how fun I am. I mean, look at that girl.
She’s out there livin’. -Goofy’s into it.
-Yeah. -I think it was a woman.
-In Goofy? -Yeah. Something was up.
-Oh, that’s weird. I was, like, hugging,
and she was, like… “Get away” a little bit. ‘Cause usually when it’s dudes
they’re super into it. They’re like,
“Mm, hey,” you know. “Yeah. Hey,
come on in the back.” -(laughter)
-I’m curious that, who said Disneyland was for kids
in the first place when it’s clearly built
for adults on mushrooms? -KIRKMAN: Yeah.
-SPADE: Yeah, That is true. -(applause, whooping)
-Yep. That’s good. Yeah, I love, uh, Disneyland. I love seeing the kids there
and seeing people just, you know, get lost
from their families, -and people are scared,
you know? -(laughter) I’m worried if I…
if I can’t go to Disneyland, -where am I gonna go
just look at kids? -Yeah. -Good point.
-You know? It’s, like, -there’s only a handful
of places left. -Yeah.